The Special Landscaping Operation: A totally original story
Authors Note: I’m gonna need to put three disclaimers here:
One, this was orginially conceived as a Twitter Thread so the formatting is going to seem odd. I’m not sure if this belongs in DK; but I couldn’t reallypost this whole thing in proper order on Twitter so people could enjoy its fiull glory. So I’m giving it a shot here.
Two, and most importantly, any resemblance to real persons, events, and nation-states is purely coincidental and not intended by the author, unless you’re Russia, in which case you don’t need me to tell you this all about you. CF isn’t here to be cancelled.
Three, due to the point of view of this story, some politically incorrect language is used. So please consider this your trigger warning. There will also be some NAFO inside jokes that people who aren’t in the know might not understand.
Story begins here….
I used to own the whole block until my bitch of an ex-wife, Yuki. divorced me and got the property split by those damn courts. Then I find put she’s marrying my rival, the sheriff so the divorce was obviously a CIA plot.
So I grabbed all my pubmates, sat them along a 20-foot table then asked them what I should do during karaoke night at the pub. After a round of drinks; and the chorus of Sweet Caroline, my son-in-law, Luca, ( married to my favorite daughter, Bela) went along with my suggestion to seize the garage of my ex’s house next to mine, which was an eyesore, practically a crime-a.
So I seized the Atchitectursl Crime-a they called a garage last year and managed to score their toilet and washing machine in the process. Sure, Yuki complained loudly and a lot of the neighbors complained; but they became quiet soon enough after I got one of my pals, a dude named Ronald, to win election as mayor. I also spooked them when I got one of the big neighbors to exit the HoA
So by now everyone came to accept the garage as mine; but it was still a detached structure separate from my property do I gathered my pals again, and we agreed on a special landscaping operation to seize a “land bridge” to the Crime-a garage. Then my wife comes over to announce her engagement to a new guy, Nathan Oliver ( Nate-O ) who was already giving room and board to my three less-favored daughters: Estie, Lattie, and Lithie. Which left me with no choice.
I threatened to sue for custody of my daughters and for ownership of the house she scored from the divorce if she married Nate O. But she refused to back down from the engagement.
So I’ve spent the past few months messing with the HoA while secretly rerouting all the neighborhood gas pipelines through my property while plotting with my mates to move the property fence into my wife’s side of my property which would give mee my land bridge to my garage and
prove to my wife that marrying Nate won’t protect her. But my plans started unraveling with my boy, Ronald losing the mayoral election.I decided it was now or never then had my mates help me move the fence 3 meters into the neighboring property
It was a perfect plan. I took my pal, Jerome Chi, and he assured me of unlimited friendship. I went to that mean gossip down the street, Tucker, and had him start spreading stories that I discovered Nazi flags in my wife’s basement. Nevermind that I was stalking my ex-wife; and her basement was none of my business …. she was a Nazi and possibly a Satanist too. Plus I hated her dog, a Shiba Inu named Neigh Fu. We succeeded in moving the fence last night. While she and Nate were out of town.
One of my pubmates, a lawyer, said the plan was stupid and possibly illegal. This led to awkward silence before my other pubmates: Frank, Sam, and Barry ( FSB for short) took him to the top of the building for ” a talk” where he, unfortunately ended up falling from a window.
Some of my children who hadn’t moved on with Nate yet refused yo back my plan and “stayed neutral”. They were honestly a disappointment anyway. Looking at you, George, Armie, Moldie, Kaz, Uzie, Kyrk, and Taj.
When we started the operation, we were almost finished when Neigh Fu caught the scent of one of my idiot pubmates who brought a strong smelling Parmesan cheese blend. Unfortunately, Neigh Fu also had pals all over a street that gone drawn in when they heard it howl.
So we were in the middle of the s pecial landscaping education as a bunch of dogs descended upon us growling loudly just as we were about to connect the fence to the garage. Unfortunately, the dogs also managed to cause us to trip the security system in Yuki’s House. Stupid mutts.
The loud wang of the intruder alarm brought all the nosy neighbors to the yard bearing all sorts of bear maces, poking sticks, and the like. Nate also organized a neighborhood watch of sorts that now was raising all sorts of hell. Particularly this nosy witch named Paula and her annoying friend, Zeckie,. Both of them were still apparently Dore about me trespassing on their property a few decades ago. One call from Polly, and my ungrateful daughters, Estie, Latte, and Lithie were soon on their way from Nate’s house.
I don’t know why Polly , my daughters, and Polly’s friends hate me. Was it the time I tried to scam Polly out of her house with our other neighbor Gerry? Was it the time made the eastern half of the neighborhood split away & form its own HoA and enforced it with violence? Anyways, I’ve spent a lot on idiots and “neighborhood historians” trying to gaslight everyone into thinking those things didn’t happen. In many cases, I even got people mad at the city government for police brutality instead.
But let’s not get sidetracked. My pals and I continued with our special landscaping operation after we were caught. Before the night was over, we had moved the fence all the way to Yuki’s house even with everyone hurling abuse along the way.
Luckily, one of my pubmates is an officer in the corrections department si we went in and “recruited” some non-violent prisoners to help us with our operation. Less fortunately, the only ones we could legally release were the public masturbators who now form our Wanker PMC.
With Yuki’s House almost completely surrounded. I could now get to my real objective: breaking into it and reclaiming what was once mine. I assumed it would be defenseless with her away but my three ungrateful daughters apparently had a key and Yuki had booby trapped the house into a Home Alone-style death trap. So we sent the Wankers in first to absorb all the slapstick punishment before my mates and I went in and finished off the resistance.
The Wankers were quickly dispatched, as expected; but my daughters and Paula clearly didn’t want to go near filthy public masturbators. By the time my mates and I went in, te traps were mostly gone and they were exhausted. Anyways, victory was close at hand. Resistance was exhausted. My mates were taking over the house; and my pal, Tucker, had distracted Neigh Fu and the dogs with a plate of Brie cheese. For some reason, those dogs go postal when they smell cheese and deli meats.
Just when I was about to secure victory in my new house, Yuki suddenly arrives in an Über carrying some shiny new hardware provided by Nate then proceeds to kick us out of the house, especially the Wankers before they left any ” white souvenirs”
In spite of this, I had my neighborhood gossip machine led by old gossips Vodka Zolofthuff and Margarita Semendump to say that it was an unqualified victory, my dominance was inevitable, and that Yuki’s house was “mine forever”.
So now the HoA is up in arms over my legal Vladimir to my old house which I lost via a CIA-sponsored divorce/coup. Even my quiet “neutral” neighbor Sammy Weisz ( S.Weisz) got on board with sanctioning me with outrageous fines.
Even that gay couple down the other block, two dudes named Sweet Eden and Finn suddenly announced they wanted to be friends with Nate and support Yuki. Luckily, some of Nate’s friends were also my friends. Turk Key and Hank Gary objected to the gay couple and were secretly supporting me too. I had my pal Tucker start criticizing the HoA for getting involved in “a domestic dispute”. Vodka and Margarita got on board with this too.
So it’s absolute chaos and now I’m in a proxy war with the city and liberating the House room by room, discovering new Home Alone traps every step of the way. The Wankers were useful for FAFO operations. Nobody misses public masturbators.
Then we discovered Nazi regalia that we totally didn’t plant and were just conveniently lying around unconcerned in a closet so now our mission to protect my family is a mission to denazify the house that used to be mine.
For good measure, we also brought Long a priest to exorcise the place because we found some witchcraft materials that were totally not bargain Halloween decor bought at TJMaxx. Our iteration was righteous & legit. Come on man. My fight was w/ Nate and his satanic Nazi influence.
Inevitably, the city sent its goons to get involved. As I no longer had Ronald to keep City Hall off my back, this guy Joe stationed brigades of police on stsnd-by outside our neighborhood. To keep them away, I revealed the ace in my nesting doll.
I had been building a small nuclear bomb in my shed in secret. I could hurl it at downtown and level city hall without harming my neighborhood. Of course, they could hurl their own bomb back at me but the pacifists didn’t need to know that as they worried about a “nuclear war”.
In response, Joe started sending aid to Yuki to help her fight us off. And I started sending more Wankers to exhaust her defense. Meanwhile, I had Ronald start campaigning against aid to Yuki as “wasting taxpayer money on a domestic dispute”. Tucker started doing the same.
After we captured all of Yuki’s fourth guest bedroom. My pals and I held a “referendum” on joining my house. It turns out 140 percent of the inhabitants of the occupied rooms never wanted the divorce and wanted to join me instead.
Zolofthuff and zsemendump promoted this as proof of my great victory while a third hired gossip, Andy HIcKory B. Coburg. (Henceforth referred to as Andy HickorybBCo.) Started promoting the unfairness of a “unipolar city” with only one government one police force enforcing all the rules.
Why not have a “multi-polar city” where every house gets to have its own government and police and make its own rules? Is this insane? We prefer not to have everyone think too hard about it.
Then after our wildly successful referendum forever annexing the liberated parts of Yuki’s house, Yuki launched a counter offensive in the kitchen. So we sent all the remaining Wankers to deal with that.
But IT WAS A DISTRACTION!!! Without my Wankers stopping her, she launched a different counter-offensive to drive us out of her living room. For good measure, she used a secret missile to blow up the Moskva… I mean Mercedes Benz in my driveway just to prove she could
Then mysterious unexplained fires started breaking out all over my property. One of my mates must have been smoking. OVER 60 TIMES. Soon, we were forced to evacuate the kitchen as well… but we tookm her pet Hamster with us when we left and liberated her freezer too.
Frustrated, I went before the HoA to complain about their support for Yuki. I called them ungrateful; and said our neighbor Gerry would be owning all of their hpouses if I hadn’t intervened. Paula replied I helped Gerry take her property in the first place while Zeckie shouted I drove Gerry out THEN squatted on her property for years. So yeah, no cigar there. Turns out everyone hates me and I can’t understand why.
UPDATE: apparently, the gay couple, Sweet snd Finn, who recently joined Nate’s group was already polyamorous with their next door neighbors, Noree and Denny. This is yet more proof of the Nate O. Conspiracy against me cuz as I have proven, why would any person divorce me?
And now, I’m asking Yuki for a ceasefire to spare our family further division and struggle; but Yuki stubbornly refuses to street on one unless I move the fence back to where it was. I also spoke to my neighbor Ira Noor to provide me with drones yo start launching at her.
Is it stupid to blow up a house I want yo reclaim? Normal people think a o. But normal people are not master strategists like I am. If I can’t have the House… then neither will Yuki.
Then I spoke to another of my pubmates, who worked with the city homeless shelter. We offered some hobos a chance to live on the newly liberated land if they would help me defend it from Yuki and the malicious Nate O. Influences tearing our family apart.
ut after asking her to surrender one more time or face another swarm of drones from Ira N., she fired another rocket at the small boat I had parked on a trailer in my driveway. I believe I called it the Admiral Makarov. My pubmate said “What air defense doing?”
Update: the overnight operation has dragged on for hours then days tmand Yuki continues to stubbornly resist. I launched a new wave of Ira N.’s drones at her house; but she still won’t agree to even let me just keep the third bathroom in the Donbasement. That’s unreasonable.
So people are begging me how many people am I willing to sacrifice to reverse this divorce? The answer is my mates’ lives are meaningless to me. And it’s not like people will miss the Wankers. The loss of one life is a tragedy and the loss of a million is a statistic.
A statistic is a small price to pay for family. I’ve seen all the Fast and the Furious movies. And if anything, all this needless fighting is the CIA’s fault. They’re to blame. Not I. Yuki had no reason to divorce me before they got involved.